


Tell Me that It's Okay

by Carmenlire



Series: Habits of My Heart [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Child Alec Lightwood, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Happy Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Homophobic Language, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Immortal Husbands, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), References to Depression, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Soft Husbands, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Alec Lightwood, Teen Angst, Time Skips, but no more than the show portrays, soft boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-01 11:17:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14519349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmenlire/pseuds/Carmenlire
Summary: “What’s going on little man?” she asks. She takes a seat on the bed and pats it to invite Alec to do the same.Alec clambers up into the bed and looks at the floor for a few seconds. She’s getting worried about what he could have possibly done-- ate all the cookies in the kitchen?-- when Alec looks up at her with impossibly guileless eyes.“Can boys have boyfriends?”Or 5 times that Alec was ashamed of his sexuality and one time he wasn't.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I just can't stay away lol. This has been in the back of my mind for a couple of weeks ever since I first wrote I Think You're Pretty. This is listed as the second part to that series and it's going to explore Alec's relationship with being gay at key points in his life. I hope you like it! Happy Reading:)

It’s a rainy day in New York when Alec and his best friend Orion decide to play toy soldiers in Alec’s room. Shadowhunter formal training begins at seven and Alec is so excited he can hardly wait. He doesn’t know how he’ll last another two years until he can go to the Academy in Idris.

But, that doesn’t mean they can’t still learn. Toy soldiers is a game that most young boys play but, of course, there’s a shadowhunter twist. The soldiers are intricately detailed to show off runes and the commanding general is usually the Angel Raziel against an army of downworlders. It’s Alec’s favorite game to play. He likes it even more when Orion is with him.

Alexander is a quiet child. He’s shy and small for his age. He’s friendly enough if someone talks to him first but otherwise he’s content in the silence. The fact that he even has a best friend is entirely because he didn’t have to do any of the work. In Alicante there’d been a function for all of the Heads of the Institute and Alec had been relegated to the nursery with the other children. While the nannies had run around harassed and exhausted, Alec had sat on the sidelines filling in a coloring book of runes.

His tongue had been sticking out in concentration when another boy had plopped down in the seat next to him.

 

_“Hi,” the little boy said with a grin as he sat down next to Alec._

_Alec looked up from his coloring book, bewildered. His parents had dragged him to Alicante-- which wasn’t usually a bad thing-- but they had left Izzy behind with the nanny in New York and Alec didn’t have anyone to talk to here. He didn’t mind because it gave him time to work on his rune drawings but at the same time he was feeling a little lonely. Especially since all the other kids looked like they had friends and were running around like banshees._

_As his politeness had been ingrained since infancy, Alec couldn’t just ignore the intruder. “Hello,” he said softly._

_He thought that the kid would grow bored after a second and jump up to go play with the others. He didn’t. He watched Alec for a minute or two before talking again. “My name is Orion and my favorite rune is strength. What’s yours?”_

_With that, Alec perked up. He had been studying his runes for months now and he could almost name all of them._

_“I like the deflect rune. It looks so cool and it’s pretty easy to draw.”_

_Orion had just opened his mouth to speak when Alec realized he’d forgot._

_“Oh! And my name is Alexander but my little sister calls me Alec.”_

_Grinning, Orion and Alec shook hands like how they’d seen the adults do after saying introductions. For the rest of the night they had sat at the little table in the corner coloring, then talking. Orion did most of the talking and Alec was content to listen. Orion was so cool-- his family was from Australia-- and he even had a dog. In the institute! Alec had asked for one for his fifth birthday but his mom had explained that it was against the rules._

_By the end of the night Alec and Orion were fast friends, falling asleep under a blanket a nanny had handed out when the kids started passing out._

 

While Hodge checked in on Alec from time to time, he was busy with training duties and Alec was mostly left by himself. Even the nanny didn’t pay too much attention to him. He was a quiet child and Isabelle was already a handful at three years old.

Orion paid attention to him, though. Once or twice a week the two of them would hang out for the day, using the standing portals available for inter-institute travel. While still quiet, Alec came out of his shell for Orion who knew his favorite color (blue), favorite movie (The Lion King), and his worst fear ( _spiders_ ). They were thick as thieves and Alec usually counted down the days until he could see his best friend again.

Alec couldn’t help noticing that Orion was pretty. He didn’t usually hear the word to describe boys but it was the only word that fit. Izzy was pretty with her big brown eyes and chubby cheeks. Orion was pretty with his green eyes and shaggy brown hair. He always let Alec have the last piece of cake and never hesitated to give Alec a hug when he was feeling sad.

He liked hugging Orion. It felt comfortable because Orion was his best friend, but it also felt _right_. Alec felt safe with him in a way that he didn’t with anyone else, with the possible exception of Izzy. But she was small. And a _girl_. Alec hadn’t done it, but lately he really wanted to hold Orion’s hand. If a hug felt good then holding hands should too, right? It would be like a hug but could last a lot longer.

He didn’t know what would happen if he asked his mom about it.

Maryse was hanging her clothes up in the closet from the dry cleaners when Alec pokes his head in. Hearing a noise, she looks up and immediately smiles when she sees her baby boy shyly hovering in the doorway. He’s so young, only five years old, and her heart already aches for the man he’ll become one day. Her boy isn’t outgoing but he’s strong. He’ll have to be to polish the Lightwood-- and Trueblood-- name back to its original shine. Between atoning for her sins and navigating the cutthroat politics of the Clave, Alec will lose his childhood in just a few short years and there’s nothing she can do about it.

 _It’s a shame_ , Maryse thinks with a little pang in her heart. Alec loves stuffed animals, strawberry cupcakes, and the color blue. One of her favorite things in the world is to read him to sleep. He’s so bright, will ask a dozen questions about the book if something doesn’t quite make sense to him, and he has a curiosity that she’s loathe to stamp out. She knows that if she waits long enough, she won’t have to.

“What’s going on little man?” she asks. She takes a seat on the bed and pats it to invite Alec to do the same.

Alec clambers up into the bed and look at the floor for a few seconds. She’s getting worried about what he could have possibly done-- _ate all the cookies in the kitchen?_ \-- when Alec looks up at her with impossibly guileless eyes.

“Can boys have boyfriends?”

Everything in Maryse freezes. _Oh, baby, no_.

Everything she thought about Alec and the future goes up in smoke. She still loves her darling boy with everything she has but she can’t deny the feeling in her chest. She’s numb, mind racing already trying to fix things that haven’t even happened yet.

Swallowing hard, Maryse looks at Alec, her first born, her pride and joy, and simply asks, “why?”

Alec kicks with legs back and forth as he thinks. “Because, I really like Orion and I want to hold his hand. But you have to be in love to do that. I’ve never seen two boys holding hands so I was just wondering.”

Suddenly, everything clicks and Maryse wonders how she didn’t see it sooner. All those sleepovers where Orion and Alec marathoned Disney movies and Alec looked happier than she’d ever seen him. How the two of them were constantly whispering, confiding their childish secrets. The constant and firm hugs. She had thought that Orion might make Alec a wonderful parabatai one day. Another plan crumbled to dust.

Maryse has this one chance and she’ll regret what she says for decades to come.

“Well, honey, while boys _can_ hold hands with other boys and girls can hold hands with girls, they shouldn’t.”

Alec frowns, gaze turning disappointed and she wants to bite the words back, wants to take back what she’s just said but she can’t. All she can focus on is the fact that the life she already knew would be hard for her little boy has just become infinitely more difficult.

“Boys only hold hands with girls. Anything else would be embarrassing for the family. You don’t want to do anything that would hurt our family, right, Alec?”

Alec chews on his bottom lip as he thinks about what he just heard.

“But, Orion is really pretty and I think that if we were boyfriends we’d be really happy.”

 _Shit_.

“You two might be happy but I’m sure Orion’s family wouldn’t be happy. I know your father and I wouldn’t be happy. Sometimes, you have to put your family first, Alec. You might want to do something but you can’t, not if it makes things worse for the people you love. Do you understand?”

Alec is the picture of devastation. He really had thought his mom would tell him to go ahead as long as Orion was okay with it. Thinking about what she’s just said, Alec understands. Nothing is more important to him than his family. He would do anything for Izzy and he loves his parents to infinity and back.

“Yes,” he says, quietly.

Orion never comes back to the institute and Alec doesn’t play toy soldiers anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I just wanted to warn you all that this chapter will contain some explicitly homophobic language.

Alec hits the punching bag so hard his knuckles split.

Or maybe, he’s bleeding because he’s been at it for over an hour without rest.

“Yo, dude, lay off that bag. You know mom gets pissed when we have to reorder the supplies she just bought.”

Alec grits his teeth and slams his hand out to catch the bag on its downswing, the impact singing up his arm to end with a satisfying numbness in his limbs. He closes his eyes and lays his head on the bag, wishing that he’d had just a few more minutes alone in the training room. Maybe if he’d had just a bit more time to get out of his head, he wouldn’t feel like this.

He hates feeling like this.

Jace had moved in with the Lightwoods last year. Alec had been quiet at first, not sure about this new person who he was expected to befriend. It had been a welcome surprise when Jace had ended up being a decent person, his oversized ego and penchant for selfies aside. Maybe, Jace had been too good. Because, now, Alec couldn’t stop thinking about him. 

They were thirteen and spent most of their time at the Shadowhunter Academy in Idris. Through sheer luck, Jace and he had been assigned as bunkmates with two other boys that were thankfully tolerable. Alec was still on the small side but he made up for it with his dedication. Spending hours in the training room, long after everyone else had left for food or fun, Alec worked at everything until he was the best. The best with Seraph blades, the best with a bow, the best at hand-to-hand. No one could beat him. Except Jace.

Alec doesn’t know when it started, but it seemed liked one day he had tuned in to Jace. Suddenly, he was noticing how the light hit his eyes just so and made them luminescent. He couldn’t help but laugh at his dumb jokes. Jace put a hand around his shoulders or sat next to him and his entire body turned warm. He couldn’t explain it, but he hated it.

Alec knew there was something wrong with him. Though it’d been years since he’d been so innocent as to think everything would end up okay, he could still recall with crystal clarity the talk with his mom. The most important thing in his life was taking care of his family and if he ever decided to be himself, it would be bad. Shameful. _Wrong_.

Alec knows the word for what he is now. He’s gay. All of the other boys in Idris talk about girls and how they smell so good and how they can’t help but get distracted when sparring with them. Alec can’t relate except to the basics. He loves the smell of a guy’s cologne. When he’s training with Jace or a few of the other guys, he gets flustered. He’d went out for a coffee the other morning and when the cute male barista had smiled at him he’d blushed and dropped his change.

As he rests against the punching bag, Alec debates just ignoring Jace. It’s not like it’d be the first time. Jace is a persistent bastard, though, and Alec knows that he’d just turn to annoying him to get his attention. Taking a deep breath and letting it out quietly, Alec turns to his best friend, the guy who will most likely become his parabatai one day. Alec isn’t stupid and he sees the way Maryse looks at him sometimes. She looks between him and Jace with a face that’s an impenetrable mask. Unless she’s your mother and you’ve dedicated long hours to figuring her out, in which case, it’s obvious that she’s seething with anger and disappointment and a cold-blooded calculation that never fails to grate on his nerves.

Looking at Jace, Alec knows he’s weak. Jace has him wrapped around his finger and Alec is powerless to do anything about it. They’ve gotten into all manner of scrapes and Alec always gives Jace whatever he asks for, always forgives him no matter what. He just doesn’t know how to get a handle on this maelstrom of feeling inside him.

Before he knows what’s happening, Jace is wrapping an arm around his shoulders, squeezing him to his side.

“What’s wrong, buddy?”

Alec internally rolls his eyes at Jace’s need to call everyone “buddy” like a third rate principal but can’t help the butterflies that erupt at having him so close. Before he can say anything, though, they’re interrupted.

“Hey, what’s up fags?”

Everything freezes inside of Alec. The warmth he had felt about his proximity to Jace turns into ice. He freezes and hopes to God Jace doesn’t notice. It’s his luck that Jace isn’t particularly perceptive. Something in him dies, though, when he hears Jace laugh.

“Hey douchebags, we’re just getting ready to kick your ass,” Jace answers with a cocky grin.

How stupid could he be for thinking Jace would react any other way? There are no gay shadowhunters. Training in Idris has been an education. Living with a hundred teenage boys had made him well aware of just how inventive homophobic assholes can be. He’s no longer surprised at the hate that spews from their mouths with such ease. Still, he just hasn’t quite been able to shut down his instinctive urge hide when it happens.

The guys who walked in look to be in their late twenties. They have the look like they spend most of their time training in the weight room. If they were mundane, Alec would think the guys had been abusing steroids. As it is, they look like they could bench press Alec and Alec has a healthy sense of self-preservation. He wants to leave and go to his room, the only place where he can be relax and be himself, whatever the hell that means anymore, but he can’t. Jace looks like he’s about to challenge them or some shit and there really should be someone there to make sure he makes it out of there relatively unscathed.

Tweedle Dee looks between Jace and Alec and sneers. “What were you two up to when we walked in?”

Tweedle Dum chortles as he adds, “yeah, it looked like you were about to kiss. What the hell guys?”

Jace has long since taken his arm from Alec but it physically aches when Jace takes two steps away from him. The worst part is that it looks like Jace does it subconsciously. He’s not trying to be like those two assholes. Alec is very aware that Jace really embraces the dude bro stereotype. While Alec doesn’t think Jace is a real bigot, he knows that Jace sees nothing wrong with throwing around slurs as jokes. But the very idea of being perceived as not one hundred percent straight is so alien and abhorrent to him that, without thought, he moved away from Alec. It sucks the air from his lungs. Absurdly, Alec thinks of that “two guys sitting in a hot tub five feet apart. . .” vine and wishes the earth would swallow him up.

He doesn’t hear the rest of what is said. It’s probably best that way because it was undoubtedly just more of the same hateful, homophobic bullshit. As soon as he sees it’s all clear, he leaves. Thankfully, even at thirteen, Alec has a bit of a reputation of being abrupt and a loner. No one thinks it odd that he leaves without a word.

When he gets to his room, he collapses on the bed. He lays there for long minutes, thinking about where he’s at. He’s a Lightwood. His life is pretty well mapped out. From where he’s sitting, it looks pretty shitty if he’s being honest. It feels like his life isn’t his own. He’s Alec Lightwood and he doesn’t even belong to himself. He’s given pieces to so many people that he’s starting to think there will come a day he simply vanishes. Between his parents, Izzy, Jace, and baby Max, he feels the crushing weight of expectation. 

In his wildest dreams, he thinks of what would make him happy. It’s pathetic but it’s been a game he’s played since Jace came along. After too much thought, he’s come to the conclusion that all he needs to make his life good, complete, is. . . a man. To love. The perfect day would be a lazy day in with a boyfriend. Maybe there’d be cupcakes or a movie marathon and a bit of banter. But, all he really needs is someone he feels safe with and the feeling like he’s finally home.

Alec doesn’t feel like he has a home. Between the coldness of the institute and the minefield of the Academy, there’s no place he feels safe or like he belongs.

He doesn’t think there’s a place out there for him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I just wanted to warn you all that there will be mention of self-harm in this chapter (but nothing more than the show portrays).

_Fuck_ , Alec thinks dazedly as a body falls on top of him.

“You look distracted there, Lightwood. Anything I should know about?”

Alec _wants_ to say, _how do you expect me to fight when you’re looking like that_ , but bites his tongue to keep the words in. He manages to choke out a “No, I’m good,” before the weight lifts off of him and a hand reaches down to haul him back up to his feet.

Grayson Rockbridge is one of the hottest guys in his year and he’s been making Alec sweat for the past six months. Alec blames his fucking teenaged hormones for making him feel like he’s burning alive every time Gray so much as looks in his direction.

He walks over to where his gear is and before Alec can blink, he’s taken his shirt off and is wiping his face with it while reaching for his water bottle.

“ _Christ_ ,” Alec mutters, lost in appreciation for his truly impressive chest.

Alec doesn’t know why but Grayson seems to have taken a liking to him. On the first day of their junior year, they’d been assigned to train the same period. When the teacher had instructed the class to break off into pairs, Alec had briefly lamented his tendency to be a standoffish asshole because he just knew no one was going to pick him voluntarily.

He’d been surprised when this cute boy with a hot French accent had walked over to him, gave him a lazy onceover, and told him he’d be his partner. It’d been a few years since his frankly embarrassing crush on Jace and Alec had come a long way since then. In the privacy of his own mind at least, he had come to terms with the fact that he was gay as hell. He didn’t like it-- in fact he hated it with every fiber of his very being-- but Alec knew that he would always stutter when a cute boy talked to him or trip over his feet when another guy caught his eye. 

Alec had taken one look at Rockbridge’s jawline and tousled brown hair and known that he was well and truly fucked.

But, those three years had taught Alec something and it was the art of being a dick. He was sure part of it was a defense mechanism. He’d hit his growth spurt about a year ago and he now towered over the other guys in his class. His dedication to training had paid off and he was the best in his class. He _looked_ like a shadowhunter. That had went a long way in making Alec feel more secure, but there was still a part of him that was a terrified thirteen year old always living in fear of his secret being found out.

Along with learning six languages, all of the most effective ways to kill various demons, and the art of making a political deal, he’d learned that one of his most powerful weapons could be his words. He cut down anyone who came after him with a cold word and icy glare. Most people avoided him, called him an asshole behind his back, and Alec was more than okay with that.

When Gray had given his pronouncement to be his partner, Alec’s inner bitch had come to attention and he’d returned that slow onceover, raised a brow, and simply said, “I guess that’ll do.”

Gray had grinned, showing too many teeth, and he and Alec had gone in for a very firm handshake, dude-bro style. It might’ve gone on just a moment too long to be appropriate.

Idris Academy was no longer the minefield that he’d worried over during his first few years. He’d gained his footing and as the Lightwood heir apparent, most people paid him respect or left him alone. It helped that Alec had discovered a love of literature and spent much of his free time reading, further cementing his status as a loner. While most privately acknowledged that Alec could be a bit of an ass, they also had to admit that if they ever went to him for help, he was always more than willing to lend an ear and some time.

He had Gray, though. They were friends. Not to the level he had with Izzy or Jace, but they trained together during off hours and hung out between classes. Alec had a hopeless crush on him and he thought Gray might just return it.

It was the little things that drove him insane. How Gray would linger, leaning into his body just a tad longer than appropriate after Alec tapped out. He would sit a little too close in the mess hall. Whenever it was just the two of them, Alec swears there are times he’d look up from his homework or phone and catch Grayson staring at him.

Alec couldn’t concentrate. He’d be in the middle of Interrogation Techniques and lose his train of thought, thinking about Grayson’s truly admirable abs. He’d be in the middle of a discussion during History of the Clave and completely blank out, reliving how he’d pinned Gray down in training last week. It was an _issue_.

They’re training right now and it’s all Alec can do not to lunge forward and kiss him, hard. He’s almost seventeen and hasn’t kissed anyone yet. He’d be the laughingstock of the Academy if anyone knew. Instead, they think he’s dating a Jessica Hawkblue-- as if he’d ever date anyone with such a stupid name.

Getting back to his feet after being pinned down, Alec refocuses. While Gray wins more than he should because he’s such a fucking distraction, Alec knows his shit. He blocks everything else out and in less than a minute has slammed Gray down onto the mats. Taking a hand off Gray’s wrist to swipe his sweaty hair off his forehead, Alec looks back down to see Gray gazing steadily up at him. Alec loses focus and they just stare at each other for a minute, the room totally silent, and Alec _wants_.

In the next moment, he’s lost his breath and every thought in his head as he’s flipped onto his back. Gray grins down at him for a second, then leans forwards and whispers, “I win.”

Without thinking Alec mutters, “I don’t think there are any losers here.”

He’s playing a dangerous game but it feels so good.

 

They’re taking a rare afternoon off and have walked to one of the parks in the city closest to the school. Gray brought a blanket and the two of them are sitting on the ground, working on homework. Alec has an essay due in a few days and his professor is a royal bitch that takes a point off for literally everything-- he’s struggling in that class and he needs to get his shit together or it’ll be the first B he’s ever gotten. He doesn’t want to even think about what his parents will say if he doesn’t ace this class and it’s in the middle of that thought that his anxious internal monologue is interrupted with a grape hitting his face.

He looks up from his book and looks at Gray with an unimpressed expression on his face. “Was that really necessary?”

Gray grins, unrepentant, simply offering, “You weren’t paying attention to me.”

It’s funny. Jace or Izzy could say the same thing and he’d be filled with never-ending annoyance. Gray says it though, with that stupid damn accent, and Alec melts, wanting immediately to shut his book and devote everything to him.

Instead of embarrassing himself more than he does on a daily basis, Alec just steals one of his grapes and pops it into his mouth. “What’re you working on,” he asks, still chewing.

Gray dramatically flops down on his back, sighing like a Victorian heroine. “I have to read six chapters of this lame-ass book for discussion tomorrow and I can’t make it through three pages. It’s boring as hell.” He turns his face up towards Alec and gives him a pleading glance, complete with puppy dog eyes and a seriously cute pout.

Alec’s mouth twitches in amusement and without much thought, he closes his book and tosses it a few feet away. “What subject is it?”

Gray groans. “Clave Policy: 900 A.D. to 1750.”

Alec raises a brow. “Why are you complaining? That’s one of the most interesting classes they offer. I took it last semester and really enjoyed it.”

With a snort, Gray rolls his eyes. “That’s because you’re a fucking nerd, Lightwood. I bet you wrote your term paper a month early. You did, didn’t you? Just admit it!”

Blushing, Alec mutters, “six weeks,” and takes the light slap on his arm with good grace. “Shut up, asshole, at least I don’t wait until the night before like _some_ people. Now, do you want help or not?”

Gray doesn’t say anything for a minute, just keeps staring up at Alec. He’s about to make a comment, maybe ask sarcastically if he has something on his face, when Gray murmurs, “you have the prettiest eyes, you know that?”

Alec freezes and he swears his heart lurches right before it grows three sizes. It’s a moment before Gray realizes what he’s said and when he does, his eyes widened and he shoots up to a sitting position. He’s opening his mouth, no doubt about to frantically backtrack, when Alec must lose his damn mind.

He doesn’t know where the courage comes from, but before he knows it his hand is hovering over Gray’s and then he’s touching him. It’s the gentlest of caresses. Alec knows he hasn’t been breathing for at least two minutes but when his hand touches Gray’s, he can hear Gray’s breath stop, too. They both stare at their hands for a minute before Alec whispers, “And here I thought yours were the most beautiful I’d ever seen.”

They’re staring into each other’s eyes, gazes roving over faces, taking in every shift of expression. There’s wonder and hope and an overwhelming softness that makes Alec’s chest tighten almost painfully. 

The fragility of the moment is broken when they hear a child’s screaming laughter on the other side of the park. Abruptly remembering where they are-- in public, where anyone could observe them-- they hastily break apart, eyes turning downwards, and there’s a few moments of papers shuffling and awkward silence before they both look up, lock eyes, and smile before turning back to their homework. 

Neither one gets anything done for the rest of the day.

 

They’re in Gray’s room, relaxing on his bed. Everyone else had gone into the closest village for some sort of festival-- Alec _thinks_ it’s in honor of one of the angels-- but the two of them had decided to stay back. They were both eager to take whatever little alone time they could get. The end of the term was rapidly approaching and Alec was well-aware that in three days he’d be back at the New York Institute for six weeks. 

He was dreading it. The only good thing was that he would get to spend some time with Izzy. It would be countless hours of his parents criticising literally everything about him, having to deal with Maryse’s snide looks and cold remarks while waiting for a free moment to talk to Grayson.

That was the worst part. Alec and Gray had grown exponentially closer since the park incident two months ago. They hadn’t yet _done_ anything, but Alec wanted to. Lately, all he could think about was what Gray would feel like on top of him, if his lips tasted as good as they looked. 

He’d been so preoccupied and fucking distracted that Jace had grown increasingly alarmed, asking if Alec was okay everytime he would glance over and Alec looked particularly flushed. A hissed “fuck off” usually got him off his back but Alec knew something was bound to happen soon with Gray. The tension was palpable and the dam had to break sometime.

Alec couldn’t wait.

They’re the only ones in their class that decided to stay back. Jace had given him a confused glance when he’d told him to go ahead but Alec had played the sick card and Jace had all but fled from their room-- he was a drama queen and insisted he couldn’t get sick this week since he had a date Friday night.

Alec and Gray are sitting near the top of the bed, leaning back against the headboard. They’re close together, almost cuddling, and Alec feels giddy with anticipation and the simple pleasure of being so close to his friend.

They’re talking about the break and how they’re both dreading the coming weeks.

“At least you have Izzy to keep you sane. It’s just going to be me, my dick of a grandfather, and my aunt who’s too scared to say a word when she’s in the same room as him.” Gray continues glumly, “Ugh, and I don’t get to see you for almost two months. This is going to suck so bad!”

He collapses further into Alec’s side and looks at him through his eyelashes. Though Alec is dying inside from his proximity and general cuteness, he keeps his cool and gives Gray a small smile. 

“Yeah, but he pretty much ignores you. You’re free to do your own thing. At least, _you_ won’t have two Type-A asshole parents breathing down your neck, constantly talking about how you could do better or some shit. And, while they’re generally ruining your will to live, hinting at what girl you could possibly be dating. 

“Don’t worry, we can text all the time--” he nudges Gray with his elbow, “--and talk on the phone at night. Maybe if I’m really good, we can visit each other for a couple of days. Before you know it, it’ll be August and we’ll be back in this hellhole for senior year.”

Gray looks at him for a moment before his lips quirk up. “Dating a girl on the down-low, huh?”

Alec snorts. “Yeah, they’re convinced that I’m in a relationship and I’m just not telling them. Over Christmas break, dad was on my ass about making sure the girl’s family was up to par. As if.”

Gray grins and straightens up a bit. He leans into Alec’s personal space, before his gaze drops down to Alec’s lips. 

“Yeah, a girl. Could you even imagine,” he whispers and they’re both leaning in.

Alec has thought _a lot_ about this moment. There’s a reason Gray is the hottest guy in their year. His accent is sexy as hell, he’s built as fuck, and he looks like he could be an underwear model. Alec knows. He’s imagined it plenty. Here, now, just a few inches from him, Alec can’t help but catalog everything, adrenaline making it all impossibly sharp. There’s a sharp breath from Gray and his eyes are impossibly green, liquid pools of everything Alec’s ever wanted to see.

His lips look inviting as hell and when his tongue dips out to wet them, Alec whimpers. He’s so close and before he knows it, his eyes are drifting shut and he’s closing those last few centimeters--

Only to spring back in horror.

_Oh God. What had he almost done?_

All of a sudden, he has Maryse’s words in his head. 

_“Boys only hold hands with girls. Anything else would be embarrassing for the family. You don’t want to do anything that would hurt our family, right, Alec?”_

In that moment, he hates himself like never before. Grayson opens his eyes a second later, lips still parted, confusion written all over his face. Alec scrambles up from the bed and heart thundering, starts gathering up his stuff.

Gray shakes his head a little and starts, “Alec, what--”

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” Alec chokes out.

Gray lunges up to his knees and grabs Alec’s elbow. “Alec, wait, it’s okay--”

Alec stumbles back from the touch, eyes going wide at the devastation that fills Gray’s eyes. _Why does he always ruin everything?_

“I can’t do this.”

Alec can’t breathe, can’t get enough air into his lungs, his brain. He desperately turns around and rushes towards the door. He fumbles with the doorknob and there’s a noticeable silence behind him. It’s filling the room, weighing it down, suffocating him, and Alec can feel Gray’s stare on his back.

He needs to get out. God _damn_ it, why won’t the door fucking open?

Finally, the door wrenches open and Alec is gone a moment later. He makes it to his room without completely losing his shit, but the minute his door closes, he’s falling against it and sliding down to the floor.

His hands go to his hair, sliding between the dark locks and then he’s _pulling_. Why is he like this? Everything feels both out of focus and startling clear. He still isn’t breathing, doesn’t feel like he has the right. He’d almost had everything he’d ever wanted on a silver fucking platter and he’d choked at the last minute. He’d seen the look in Grayson’s eyes and knows that he’s burnt that bridge down to embers. There’s nothing left for him there, anymore. He’s ruined it.

He ruins everything.

But at the same time, he can’t believe that he’d had the audacity to almost kiss someone. No, not someone. Gray. A _boy_. Who the hell did he think he was?

Before Alec knows what’s he’s doing, he’s stood up and is walking down the corridor to the training room. In a fog, he goes to the weapons rack and takes down his bow. When he reaches out for his quiver, it doesn’t feel like his hand. There’s a disconnect and Alec knows he should care more about what’s happening to him, but he doesn’t. He can’t.

He turns to the target on the other side of the room and reaches a hand back for an arrow. He notches it and let’s it fly, feeling nothing as he hits the dead center once, twice, a few dozen times. He doesn’t realize how much time is passing.

He doesn’t notice when his hands become slippery with blood.

All he knows is that he’s fucked up. He’s nothing.

_“You don’t want to do anything that would hurt our family, right, Alec?”_

Another arrow makes bulls-eye.

_“You don’t want to do anything that would hurt our family, right, Alec?”_

And another.

_“You don’t want to do anything that would hurt our family, right, Alec?”_

And another.

His family might be a bit of a shitshow, but they’re all he has. He would do anything for them. He’s feared for years that he’s given the best pieces of himself to everyone around him. He knows now that he’s nothing but a shell. Empty. Used. Easily discarded.

Alec shoves everything down until he can breathe. He pretends that everything he’s feeling is a paper ball and then he shoves it down so deep inside him that there’s no way it’ll ever see the light of day again.

It’s almost dawn when Alec surfaces. He’s spent hours in the training room and it’s only when he flexes his hand in reflex that he hisses and looks down. His hand is unrecognizable. It looks like it’s been gnawed on by a greater demon and Alec can’t help but feel blazing satisfaction.

He wouldn’t have used an iratze-- not right away-- but he can’t close his fist and he needs to gather up all the arrows. The iratze flares up before heat spreads through his hand, and he can already see flesh closing and knitting back together.

If only that worked for hearts.

A few days later Alec is standing next to the portal, getting ready to go back to New York. He looks up one last time and his gaze sweeps across the room, catching on a pair of forest green eyes. His breath stutters before a shield drops down.

Dead eyes stare back at Gray. Alec meets his eyes for a moment before flicking them back to the portal. 

He steps through with his luggage and doesn’t look back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I just wanted to warn you all that there is mention of suicidal ideation and low-key references to depression this chapter.

It’s a warm June night and Alec is out on patrol. He’s ditched his leather jacket and is wearing a simple pair of black jeans, scuffed combat boots, and a black sleeveless t-shirt that shows off the runes on his arms.

He’s by himself because Jace and Izzy decided to hit the hot new club downtown and felt no compunction about leaving him to his own devices. Walking through the relatively empty streets of New York, Alec feels the restlessness that’s been gnawing on his bones for the last few months become that much sharper. He doesn’t know why he feels like this, but it’s like he’s waiting with bated breath for something to _happen_. It doesn’t make sense, but then when does anything in his life follow his carefully laid-out script?

By all rights, Alec should feel good, optimistic, like he has the rest of his life before him. He graduated with top honors from the Academy a couple of months ago and his mission success rate is unparalleled in North America. His whole life is ahead of him and it looks bright and golden and full of possibilities.

On the surface.

But the truth is, Alec is angry. There’s a bitterness that’s growing in his chest with every passing day and sometimes he thinks he’ll choke on it. The feeling swells and sometimes-- when Izzy talks about her latest conquest or Jace rambles on about his date for the weekend-- it claws at his insides and it’s everything he can do to keep the tidal wave of vitriol back.

For all that Alec has three siblings, two living parents, and lives in an institute full of people, he’s alone. Most days, he feels nothing. He wakes up, goes on mission after mission, eats food that leaves no taste, and goes to bed, feeling blank and empty and _so damn tired_. 

Occasionally, he ducks out of the institute and goes to this small coffee shop a few blocks away. The atmosphere is dark and cozy and sometimes those few hours, drinking coffee that’s more sugar than espresso, and reading his latest novel, provide the only sense of warmth he gets that week.

His parents don’t help. When his father deigns to show up at the Institute, he’s distant and cold. He keeps the veneer of a loving father, but his eyes are far away-- never with his family. 

Maryse, though. There are times Alec thinks his mother must have loved him once. But, he can’t quite recall when that would have been. It’s been so long since she’s touched him in anything but anger, too long since she spoke to him with any warmth in her voice. He doesn’t know when things changed. Or if that’s always been their relationship. Every time he meets her eyes, all he sees is the staggering weight of disapproval, disappointment, and bitterness. It’s suffocating.

It feels like there’s crushing pressure from all sides and Alec doesn’t know how much longer he can hold out before he collapses from it all. He works his damnedest, but it’s not enough. _He’s not enough_. His whole life is ahead of him and it’s nothing but a gaping chasm. Honestly, it seems a bit shit. Alec knows what’s expected of him. He has a few more years going on missions and perfecting his field work dossier. By his mid twenties, he’ll be married-- to a woman, absolutely no doubt about it-- and popping out kids as fast he can. God, just the thought of it makes him want to vomit, fills him with a desperation and hopelessness that grates on his nerves.

But he’s a Lightwood. He might not be straight but he damned well knows his responsibility. It doesn’t matter what he wants. It doesn’t matter who he is. What matters is family and reputation and his mission in life is to be perfect. A perfect toy soldier for a Clave he doesn’t even believe in most of the time, a perfect son for parents who despise him, a perfect parabatai and brother for those he loves. 

There’s no room left for anything else. There is no Perfect Boyfriend Alec Lightwood. His dreams from so long ago are all but forgotten-- there’s no man coming to save him from himself, from a society that makes him feel _other_ and _wrong_ and _invisible_. Alec Lightwood saves himself. The problem is that he doesn’t care to.

For the Lightwood heir apparent, he’s frighteningly listless. Alec’s felt empty for as long as he can remember. He lives for Jace, Izzy, and Max. If it was just himself, he would’ve been dead long ago. He has to protect them, be the shoulder they lean on, the ear they use for their petty arguments and issues. 

The truth, the shameful thoughts that never see the light of day but still somehow coat his very soul in darkness and despair, is that sometimes Alec wants to give up. To vanish. He’ll be in the middle of a fight and a thought sneaks in. 

_Just be a little slower lifting your Seraph blade._

_Don’t move out of the way_.

Alec would never, _never_ , do anything-- he’s the perfect soldier no matter the circumstances; people are counting on him-- but he can’t help his insidious thoughts. There’s nothing for him in this life. What, he’s just supposed to fight demons for a few years, fight the Clave for a few decades after that, and marry a woman he cannot love and probably won’t like just because he’s a _goddamn shadowhunter_? It’s the biggest load of bullshit Alec’s ever heard but he’s trapped and sees no way out.

Alec’s walking down the street when a sudden need tugs at him. He thinks he needs a drink. He’s not much of a drinker-- he has to keep a level head at all times, has to keep Izzy and Jace safe while they indulge-- but now that it’s popped into his head, it’s all he can think about. Alec _needs_ to forget, if just for a single night. Forget that he’s a perpetual disappointment, forget that’s he’s wrong, forget that his life isn’t his own and that that’s the most depressing shit he’s heard in his eighteen years.

He ducks into a corner shop that sells liquor and goes straight to the back. He picks up a bottle of whiskey at random and heads to the front of the store, the heavy steps of his combat boots bringing the cashier’s head up from the magazine she was reading. She tosses it out of the way and picks up the bottle he just placed down on the counter to scan.

Alec’s going for his wallet when the soft music playing overhead reaches him. He freezes as he takes in the lyrics.

_Awake, wide eyed_  
_I'm screaming at me_  
_Trying to keep faith and picture his face_  
_Staring up at me_

Stunned, Alec instead whips out his phone and Shazam’s the song. _Heaven_ by Troye Sivan pops up and Alec feels like he’s going to pass out as he continues to listen to the song.

The cashier sees his phone screen and smiles at him. “That song’s pretty popular right now. You haven’t heard it yet?”

Alec croaks out, “no,” and focuses everything he has on the song.

She straightens a little before laying her elbows on the counter and leaning towards him. “His name is Troye Sivan and he’s an openly gay singer from Australia. You should check out his album _Blue Neighbourhood_. It’s amazing and he doesn’t shy away from using male pronouns!”

In a daze, Alec pays for the bottle of whiskey and walks out of the shop, slowing his steps until he’s sure he’s heard the rest of the song. With a brown paper bag in his hand, Alec quickly makes his way to the Institute. It’s around four in the morning and he walks in without alerting anyone.

Making his way to the roof, Alec sits on the ledge and immediately takes out his phone, opens Spotify, and downloads Sivan’s album. He puts it on repeat and then places the phone next to him. He takes the bottle out of the bag and twists open the top, taking a large swallow in defiance. He almost throws up from the heat, but soon enough warmth is the only thing he feels. 

That’s how the next few hours go. Alec listens closely to the lyrics and his chest feels like it’s been cracked open, everything that he’s been bottling up is leaking all over the damn place and if Alec wasn’t numb from the whiskey, he’d feel the tears running down his face.

This album is _everything_. Alec feels at once cathartic and his most despairing. It is so gratifying to hear a man singing about being gay and loving another man. Shadowhunters aren’t as oblivious to mundane culture as they’d like everyone to think. Mostly, they just play it up because it makes them feel weirdly superior to everyone else if they don’t let on that they know what the NFL or Netflix are.

Alec’s favorite TV show is One Tree Hill and he has a guilty pleasure of listening to One Direction during his runs. Izzy is obsessed with Project Runway and went to a Kesha concert last weekend. Most of their generation has Snapchat and Jace even has a Vine account. They know what’s up.

Alec knows that mundanes can be just as hateful and intolerant as shadowhunters about sexuality. But, he also knows they celebrate Pride. The very concept is foreign to him.

Who the hell would want to celebrate being different? What’s the joy in that? Show him, where’s the fucking _pride_ in feeling like your chest is being ripped apart every waking moment as resentment builds and scalds your throat?

And Alec is a coward. He knows he’ll take his shameful secret to the grave with him. There is no “coming out” in his future. The only thing that would be waiting for him if he was fool enough to do that is disownment, certain ostracization, and possible deruning. He’s not a fucking idiot. 

He is more than a little drunk, though, and when he sways dangerously in his spot, he knows it’s time to back the fuck up from the ledge. He falls onto the roof in a slow topple that would probably embarrass him if he were sober and rests his back against the wall. Taking another swig from the bottle, he’s surprised to see it’s over halfway empty. With a careless shrug, he places it a little too hard on the ground and looks up at the stars. 

For long minutes it’s just him, the galaxy, and Troye Sivan. His head is spinning and he feels an unbearable sorrow in his chest. _He wants that_. He wants a relationship, a man to come home to, a feeling like his world isn’t on the constant brink of imploding.

He’d almost had it. His mind is hazy, but it latches onto an image of forest green eyes and a soft smile. 

_Gray_ , his mind supplies. Grayson.

But, he’d ruined it, like he ruins everything he touches. He hasn’t talked to him since _that_ night. Senior year had been awkward as hell and Alec will always thank the angels that, by some miracle, they hadn’t shared any classes together. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to think of Gray and not feel the well of grief, regret, and bitterness.

He’s drunk and forgives himself for thinking about the one person he’d promised himself he’d never acknowledge again. Alec sighs and brings his hands up to try and scrub the drunkenness off his face. His last thought before he passes out is that he thinks Gray might always be his biggest _what-if_.

Alec wakes up late the next morning with a raging hangover, no memory from last night after the corner store, and a heaviness in chest that feels just a bit more oppressive than usual.

He drags himself up to standing and immediately doubles over and throws up onto the ground. With a grimace, he picks up his phone that’s died sometime in the morning, leaves the bottle on the edge, and makes his way as carefully as he can down to his room. He takes a shower that burns a layer of skin off but wakes him up, throws up twice more, and all but falls into bed.

While he feels a bit like death, mostly he is still pervaded by emptiness. He knows that he’ll sleep until dark, eat yet another meal that might as well be dirt for all he cares, and will go on yet another mission. There’s a thousand days just like this waiting for him and Alec thinks it’s a little too exhausting to think about today.

Alec wonders if this is really all that’s left for him, if his life will really have so little meaning. He thinks, _it’s not worth it_ , before sleep drags him down.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Just a reminder that any content warnings from previous chapters are applicable here.

The words hit him like a freight train. There’s a buzzing in his ears that drowns out the background noise of an institute switching shifts. Before he knows what’s going on, he’s on the streets of New York. He didn’t hear the slamming of the institute’s door against the wall as he threw it open and all but ran down the steps.

He didn’t notice his sister watching him with worried eyes.

All Alec can focus on is the routine email he had opened a few minutes ago. The words are repeating in his head and he thinks he might be sick.

 _Orion is dead_.

Every day, there’s an automated email that all shadowhunters receive that lists those wounded in battle or killed in action. Alec opens those on autopilot every morning as he goes through the rest of his email. He only cares about a handful of shadowhunters and he lives with them; he’d know if he really needed to worry. 

There’s no need to get emotional over shadowhunters he either never knew or didn’t care about. It’s a fact of life as a shadowhunter-- chances are, death will come tragically young and it’s only a matter of time until your luck runs out. No need to mourn everyone who dies because otherwise you would never change out of your white suit.

Alec had almost hit delete when his eyes had stuck on a name that he’d always notice: Orion Bluevale.

As soon as he’d read that name, his world had stopped. Suddenly, he was thrown back to the little boy he’d been, happily playing toy soldiers and innocently thinking boys were pretty. Before he knows what’s happened, he’d jumped up from his seat and strode through the Institute Command Center, flinging the doors open and fleeing down the stairs.

He thanks the Angel that his glamour rune is activated because he can only imagine what the mundanes would think of him almost running through the streets in a type of madness that he can’t control. He’d be committed before he covered a block.

As it is, he weaves in and out of pedestrians in a kind of frenzy. He can’t breathe. He can’t _think_. All he knows is that the one spot of happiness he’d had in his past is--

 _Is gone_.

Alec knows himself well enough to understand that he’s fucked up. He can be a dick, he’s intolerant of mistakes, he hates himself with a fervor that should probably worry him. 

What he didn’t know was how much he still felt for Orion. In true Alec Lightwood fashion, he’d had no contact with Orion since the day his mother had told him it was wrong of him to think boys were pretty. There’s been no visits, no phone calls, no communication for almost twenty years. 

Alec is a sentimental man. He doesn’t advertise it, but he holds onto memories and lives in the past more than he should. He holds an aching fondness for Orion that has never quite disappeared. 

Alec ducks into an alley and leans against the brick wall, breathing in the frigid New York City air that’s like sticking needles in his lungs. It clears his head a bit and now his mind is playing through memories of Orion that he’d thought he’d long forgotten.

 _Watching a little boy sit next to him in Alicante, confused, because he was just boring Alec that liked to draw while other kids played like little hellions_.

 _Orion and Alec sitting almost on top of each other as they watch Beauty and the Beast for the dozenth time_.

 _Them together, laying in Alec’s bed with robot sheets, confiding their boyish secrets_.

 _Alec, not knowing any different, looking at Orion with love and trust and an innocent desire to hold his hand_.

He’s gasping as his mind races through all those little things that made Orion so incredibly special to him. Orion had been his first friend, his first confidante, his first crush. As he looks back, Alec feels a pang of regret and another stab of resentment towards Maryse. It’s just another thing that Alec ruined before he even knew what he was doing.

Alec leans against the wall with his head in his hands, fighting back useless tears and trying to get his breathing under control. He doesn’t know how long he stays like that, unmoving, mourning for a boy he’d loved and the boy he’d once been.

Once he’s calmed down enough, he straightens and joins the foot traffic heading towards Central Park. He doesn’t have anywhere to be-- it was his night off and, besides, he can’t stomach the thought of being in the institute right now-- so he meanders through the streets of New York, no real destination in mind, just a numb desire to escape. 

Alec ends up walking the winding paths of Central Park for hours. He’s in a fog, not registering what’s going on around him, just putting one foot in front of the other as his mind alternates between refreshing blankness and knee-buckling grief.

Once the sun starts to descend in the sky, he takes a seat on an old bench and stares down at the ground.

Alec’s head is a whirlwind of static. There’s such a jumble of thoughts but he can’t pick them apart. His head is a mess and he’s a little afraid to start unraveling it because he doesn’t know what he’ll find.

He’s plucked out of his numb reverie by loud laughter. In a daze, he looks around in reflex, always alert to any possible threat. What he sees steals his breath. It’s a sucker punch of the worst kind in this moment.

A little ways up the path, there’s a couple. Two men are sitting close on another bench, holding hands with their faces close together. Alec doesn’t breathe as he sees them both lean in for a chaste kiss that, even at a distance, Alec can see is full of love and tenderness. 

Those damned tears are back and Alec ruthlessly shoves them back down as he waits with baited breath for something to happen. He’s not sure what he’s expecting, but it doesn’t feel right that there are no consequences for what’s he's just witnessed.

It’s a few minutes of Alec watching them with a rapt attention that he distantly knows is a little creepy and he’s thankful again for his glamour. He’s sat, stunned, as the two men kiss a few more times before standing up and leaning into each other for a long hug that makes Alec’s chest ache. There’s laughter and smiles as they walk away, holding hands and stepping in sync.

Alec sits there long after they leave. It’s dark and the January air is biting into his skin but Alec doesn’t feel it. All he can think about is how unfair it all is. Alec is twenty-two and he feels a hundred. He doesn’t think a soul is supposed to carry this much weight. Sometimes he wonders how he’s still standing with the constant pressure and hurt that suffocates him. He thinks he feels too much but this is his life and it’s all he knows.

Slowly, Alec stands up in the darkness. He’s numb, blank, empty. It’s not an unusual feeling but he’s thankful nonetheless that the raging tide of emotion is back under lock and key.

He walks back into the institute, avoiding everyone. 

With his luck, he really should have known things wouldn’t work out the way he needed.

Maryse is standing in the middle of the control room. It looks like she just dispatched a team as a few shadowhunters hurry away with an assignment.

Maryse gives him a quick once over before asking, “Where were you?”

Alec tries to avoid her eyes as he simply offers, “Out.”

Maryse’s eyes flash. “I asked you where you were, Alexander. You don’t just say ‘out.’ Now, answer my question. Where were you? You weren’t answering your phone.”

Drained, Alec tells the truth. “I needed to get away from the institute. I went on a walk and must have left my phone here. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

Maryse raises an eyebrow. “And why did you need to get away from the institute? What was so important that you abandoned your station?”

Alec swallows hard and meets his mother’s eyes. “Orion’s dead.”

Maryse’s eyes are blank. “Orion?”

Something in Alec snaps. Maryse doesn’t remember. She’s forgotten the first in a long list of times she’s cut him down to the bone. Voice hoarse, trying to keep from shouting down the walls, Alec says, “Orion Bluevale. He was my best friend before the Academy. I saw his name in the email this morning.”

Maryse waves a hand in dismissal. “So what? He was a shadowhunter. There’s no need to mourn a boyhood friend you hadn’t talked to in years. He made it to, what, twenty-two? He was more fortunate than some.”

Bile rises in Alec’s throat and he stares at his mother with a seething hatred that lights him on fire. In that moment, he doesn’t recognize her. His resentment and hatred are choking him and his vision turns red.

“ _So what?_ He was my best goddamn friend that you made me abandon,” Alec hisses. “That’s so what, _Maryse_. So I took one fucking afternoon to grieve for him.” He throws her an icy glare. “I suggest you leave me the hell alone for awhile. Goodnight.”

He turns on his heel and makes his way to the residence quarters with Maryse gaping after him in shock.

Walking into his room, he takes in his sparse furnishings. Izzy’s room looks appropriately lived-in for a young woman, complete with a bursting wardrobe and messy vanity. Alec’s, by contrast, holds the bare necessities. A dresser for his utilitarian clothing, a bed with plain black sheets, a single picture of him and his siblings adorning the wall above his neatly organized desk.

Alec really only has one indulgence, one item he bought years ago and keeps under his bed. Crouching down, he carefully pulls it from its hiding place and dusts it off reverently. He sits down on the bed and twists around, laying the box down and opening it with gentle hands.

Inside is a collection of Alec’s most treasured memories. There’s an arrowhead from the first demon he killed, a bottle of nail polish from the first time Izzy had painted his nails, and a folded piece of paper with a drawing Max had colored when he was just a toddler. There’s a dozen pieces of Alec’s heart in that box. With an unbearable softness in his very soul, Alec gingerly moves things around until he finds what he was looking for.

A small toy soldier no more than a few inches tall. 

Alec stares at it, the static in his mind evening out and stopping. He turns it this way and that, taking in the chipped paint and faded colors. He thumbs over the strength rune on its arm and stifles a sudden sob.

He’s off the bed and in his bathroom faster than he can blink. He’s standing in front of the mirror, taking in his haggard appearance. All of a sudden, he’s choking on a well of wrenching grief and impotent rage. He slams his fist into the mirror and feels nothing. His image is now fractured into a dozen fragments and it seems oddly fitting.

His knuckles are bleeding onto the tile of his bathroom floor but he doesn’t care. The dizzying fury of emotions are still swirling through him and he punches the mirror another two, three, _four_ times. He’s crying, giant, wracking sobs that tear at his throat, and it feels like his chest is caving in from everything. _Everything_. His entire life is a fucked up tragedy. He hates himself, what he _is_ , so much and in that moment he comes his closest to ending it all.

Life isn’t worth it. There is no happiness. The good days are when he’s mind-numbingly empty. But days like this, when his emotions won’t stop and he feels everything clawing viciously at his insides, he just wants to fall to his knees and surrender to the overwhelming pain. 

He’s staring into the broken mirror and is just letting out a grim chuckle when he hears a soft knock on his bedroom door. He doesn’t register what it means until he hears a tentative “ _Alec?_ ” and sees the doorknob twisting.

He has a moment to think _Izzy shouldn’t see me like this_ , but he’s so exhausted and he just doesn’t have it in him to care.

Izzy opens the door and looks around for a moment, expression turning disappointed when she doesn’t see him. In the next instant, her eyes widen before they become unbearably sad as they lock eyes across the room. 

Alec knows he looks a mess. His eyes are red-rimmed, there are tear tracks on his cheeks, his hand is still dripping blood. He looks pale and lost and Izzy’s heart breaks looking at her big brother, the strongest person she knows, at his lowest.

That steady _drip, drip, drip_ of blood is the only sound in the room. Alec watches dispassionately as Izzy walks across his room and when she’s within touching distance, they just stare at each other. 

Izzy slowly raises his hand up between them and utters a soft, “Oh, Alec.”

There’s a disconnect between Alec and his body. It feels like Izzy is rinsing someone else’s hand with warm water. It’s not his hand that she’s drawing an iratze on.

The room is silent as Izzy guides Alec to his bed and softly urges him to lay down. She doesn’t comment on the open box on the other side, but she does make a mental note of it.

Izzy gets up and leaves and Alec closes his eyes. They’re sore and Alec prays for sleep to come. 

In the next minute, there’s a cool cloth on his forehead and he sighs at how good it feels. A gentle hand cards through his hair and Alec can feel himself sinking into welcome oblivion.

He hears Izzy whisper, “I love you _so much_ big brother. I’m always here for you, no matter what. I can’t wait for you to get the happiness you deserve,” before he’s swallowed up by darkness.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! You made it through the five times Alec was ashamed of his sexuality. I hope you enjoy the one time he's not:)

Alec walks into his office in the afternoon and sets his coffee cup on his desk. He’s getting ready to turn and walk over to the window, wanting to take a minute to enjoy the spring sunshine, when he sees it.

There’s a plain, white envelope sitting on his desk. _Alec_ is scrawled across the front in sprawling cursive.

_Huh_. That’s odd. There’s not too many people that would address him so familiarly and they’d all rather text than write a letter anyway. Strolling over to his desk, he picks the letter up and cautiously opens it.

He reads it once, twice, three times. Each pass through is slower than the last. After the third time, he places the paper carefully back down on his desk and stares at it, standing stockstill.

After a few minutes, Alec makes his way over to the minibar that Magnus had insisted he install. _Alexander_ , he’d said in that lovely baritone, _you never know when you might need to serve refreshments. People are much more open to negotiations after a cocktail and sometimes it helps with the stress of being such a capable leader to throw back a glass or two of your favorite liquor_.

He has to admit that it’s come in handy more than a few times. Right now, he’s eternally grateful to his husband for always thinking ahead. Alec grabs a tumbler and pours two fingers of scotch. He pauses before ultimately pouring another inch of amber liquid into the glass. He drinks it all down in just a few swallows before doing it all again.

He’s on his third generous drink when he sits in one of the chairs facing the fireplace that’s gently crackling. Gold light bathes his features and his eyes are a million miles away. He’s stuck in the past, playing over memories both sharp in intensity and faded with time.

It doesn’t happen much, anymore. There was a time he’d thought he’d never make it to this point, wouldn’t survive to this age. There were times he didn’t want to. While Alec is still a sentimental fool, he thinks about the future far more. _If only he’d known_.

Alec at thirty is a different man than he’d been at twenty and he is eternally grateful for that fact. Looking into the fire, his chest aches for the boy he’d been, the man he’d almost become. He doesn’t recognize them anymore. 

Slowly sipping his scotch, he lifts his lips in a small smile and raises his glass towards the fireplace in a toast. “We made it, Gray. We really did.”

The rest of his workday is spent lost in memories. Seeing that it’s almost six, Alec gets up from the chair before turning off his computer and gathering up his wallet, keys, and sunglasses. He throws on his suit jacket-- he’d decided to go for maroon today since it was Friday and he’d decided to take tomorrow off-- and starts his walk home.

The air is crisp and the sun is shining and Alec is overwhelmed. He feels _good_. It’s not unusual these days but sometimes it still takes his breath away, the stark contrast between where he’s at now and where he’d been stuck for so long.

He enters the loft and just stops. Magnus is laying down on the couch, looking deliciously dressed down in a pair of leggings and one of Alec’s hoodies. His heart is so full of love that his chest aches. Magnus is on his phone and even though he must know Alec is staring at him, he’s showing no sign of it.

Alec toes off his shoes, takes off his jacket, and unbuttons the top few buttons of his shirt. He pads over to Magnus and it’s like they’re in sync. Magnus sees him approaching and opens his arms as Alec all but collapses on top of him. 

Magnus lets out a soft sound of amusement as Alec buries his face in his neck and wraps his arms around his back. _My strong shadowhunter_ , he thinks fondly. _He’s like an octopus_.

Alec relaxes into the body he knows as well as his own and breathes in. The tightness in his chest loosens and he soaks it all in. The overwhelming love, the desperate joy he feels every time they’re together, that sandalwood cologne that Magnus _knows_ drives him wild.

They lay there for long minutes, both content to just be with each other. It’d been a bit of a hectic week and they’re both tired, happy to recharge together.

Eventually, Alec nuzzles into Magnus’s neck even further before pulling back and looking at his face. They simply look at each other for a moment or two before Alec breaks the silence.

His voice is raw with emotion, but it’s still impossibly soft as he says, “I love you so much, sometimes I think I’ll die from it.” His voice gentles even more as he whispers, “but I wouldn’t mind. It’d be my favorite way to go.”

Magnus doesn’t know why, but he’s stunned. He really should be used to Alexander’s way with words by now. They’ve been married almost five years and together even longer. But Alec’s intensity, his sincerity, never fails to make Magnus’s breath catch and heart clutch. He’s so goddamn in love with Alec that he’s dizzy with it.

Magnus pulls Alec down until their foreheads are touching and there’s not a centimeter of space between them.

“I love you too, my darling. _My Alexander_ ,” Magnus positively purrs and in the next instant, they’re kissing. It’s soft, and sweet, and rocks both of them to their cores.

But then, Magnus is pulling back and looking at Alec with a question in his eyes and overwhelming fondness in his heart. “Alec, love, have you been drinking?”

Alec looks sheepish and laughs a little. “I might’ve had some scotch back at the Institute.”

“I should have known,” Magnus says and rolls his eyes. “You always get sappy when you’re drunk.” Alec looks affronted but doesn’t argue. “Any particular reason why, darling? You don’t usually indulge during working hours.”

Alec hums. “I’ll tell you later. Just kiss me again. Please,” he whispers and Magnus is helpless to do anything but obey.

They lose track of time as the kiss turns heated. There’s teeth and tongue and Alec whimpers when Magnus moves to his deflect rune and _bites_ before sucking deliciously on the tender skin.

Magnus pulls off with a _pop_ and admires his work before his eyes meet Alec’s. There’s a moment of silence before Alec is grinning and then they’re laughing. The laughter is soft and vibrant and it makes Magnus’s heart sing that he gets to have this. He gets the love of his life, here, with him, forever.

Alec’s thoughts are running along a similar path and he blames the afternoon’s events for why he’s suddenly tearing up.

Magnus looks concerned as he asks, “Alexander? What is it?”

Alec takes a minute before responding with a small smile and a chaste peck on Magnus’s lips. “It’s nothing. Something good just happened and it’s making me all emotional.”

Magnus raises a brow. “Care to share with the class?”

Alec laughs and shakes his head a little. Still smiling, he softly says, “No, I don’t think so. I think I want to sit on this for a little bit before I tell you. Is that okay?”

Magnus looks into Alec’s eyes, taking in every expression. “Of course, darling, as long as you’re sure you’re alright.”

“Don’t worry, babe, they were happy tears.”

There’s a pause before Alec speaks again.

“Would you mind if we watched The Lion King tonight?”

Magnus knows that The Lion King is Alec’s favorite movie of all time and that he only watches it when he’s feeling emotionally unsteady, when he’s thinking of the past. With a wave of his hand, the television turns on and the opening credits start to play. He dims the lights as Alec settles back on his chest, head resting over his heart, still hugging him tightly. Magnus wraps one of his own arms around Alec’s shoulders as his hand slowly cards through Alec’s hair. Alec hums in contentment and they watch the movie in silence.

 

Alec wakes slowly. He feels a hand sweep down his back and snuggles closer to his husband. Magnus chuckles as he starts writing on Alec’s skin with the pad of his finger.

_I love you_. Alec’s smile widens.

_Mr. Lightwood-Bane_. Alec positively grins.

_I love your co_ \--

Alec laughs out loud and slides up until he’s straddling Magnus. He brushes his nose against Magnus’s cheek before murmuring, “Good morning, love.”

“Good morning Alexander,” Magnus returns with a quirk of his lips and eyes glowing with happiness.

They spend the morning in bed. With lingering touches and slow caresses, they drown in each other. It’s soft, and oh so loving, and Alec surrenders to the feeling that’s grabbing his heart and _squeezing_ , gives in to the pleasure that’s making his head dizzy and breath sharp. Magnus follows him over the edge and they rest back against the sheets, warm and content to stay in their little bubble for as long as they can.

Eventually, they get up, take a shower that lasts longer than strictly necessary, and eat breakfast-- lunch?-- together out on the balcony. Their wedding rings glint in the sunlight and they pass an hour with casual conversation and lively banter.

It’s everything Alec’s ever dreamed of come true. It must be the residual feelings from yesterday, but he suddenly remembers that long ago dream he’d had. A knight in shining armor, a man of his own to love and protect.

His teenage years had been hard. They’d been painful and tragic and Alec still bears scars, will always carry reminders of the worst years in his life.

Magnus had saved him. He’d given him the opportunity and desire to save _himself_. Magnus had been like a splash of cold water in his face. Alec had been in a fog, going through the motions, when he’d looked up and there’d he’d been. The most beautiful man he’d ever seen with an adorably awful fondness for puns. He’d been a goner from the first time their eyes had met. 

He’d ran away in true Alec Lightwood fashion, but he couldn’t help the magnetic pull he’d felt. Magnus had known just how to handle him from the start and when Alec had looked down the aisle and seen him standing there, defiant yet so vulnerable, every cell in his body had yearned for him. 

So he’d gone. He’d walked down that aisle with a confidence born of freedom, _finally_ the weight had lifted off of him, and he’d kissed him. Alec had kissed Magnus and it was like his whole world was burning up, a supernova that he wanted to get lost in forever.

The world didn’t end but it did change and Alec will always thank the Angel for blessing him with a man to love, a man he knows loves him back just as much, just as hard.

Magnus has been an education. He’d coaxed Alec into becoming the man he supposes he was always meant to be.

Alec Lightwood, Head of the New York Institute.

Alec Lightwood, ruthless politician that fights tirelessly for downworlder rights.

Alec Lightwood, a man not afraid to try new things. A man that likes fashion, painted nails, and the occasional pair of lace underwear.

Alec Lightwood-Bane, the most devout husband to the High Warlock of Brooklyn.

It took him years and more energy than he ever thought he had, but Alec had clawed his way back to the land of the living. He’d learned so much and he’s looking forward to learning so much more.

One of the biggest things he’s learned, he’ll admit the hard way, is that it’s okay to love a man. It’s more than okay, in fact. It’s wonderful and brilliant and a blessing. It is the biggest blessing of his life to love Magnus Bane and he feels blessed by Raziel himself that Magnus loves him back.

He looks over at Magnus with his head thrown back in laughter and imprints this moment on his memory. He and Magnus have an eternity together. They’ll have a thousand meals just like this one and a million days to spend together. It won’t ever be enough-- they could have until the sun burns out and Alec would still never tire of his love-- but it’s all he could have ever hoped for. It’s more. It’s every wish he’d ever sent, every prayer he’d muttered in vain. 

It’s love and it’s hope and it’s beauty. It’s everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While this wraps up the six chapters a 5+1 fic requires, I might just have another chapter to add ;)


	7. Chapter 7

_Dear Alec,_

_I hope you remember me because otherwise it’s going to get awkward quick._

_I can’t imagine that you don’t._

_This is Grayson Rockbridge from the Academy. I know this letter must seem out of left field for you. For me, it’s a long time coming. If you don’t remember who I am_ , please _stop reading and throw this away immediately._

_If you do, please continue._

_We never talked much, did we? I mean, we talked about how much Professor Stormlight sucked ass and how much we hated going home. But we never talked about us. Not really._

_Mutually admiring each other’s eyes doesn’t count._

_I don’t know if it was a me issue or if we both struggled back then. I know that when things went to shit, I didn’t know what to say, what to do, to make them better again. To make you better again._

_I guess I always had it easier. I barely gave a fuck that my grandfather was alive, let alone what he thought about me. But you were the crowned prince of the Lightwood legacy._

_Heavy is the head. . ._

_I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you more. You walked out that night and, I’ll admit, I was devastated. For a long time, I thought it was something I had done to make you run away. It took me longer than it should’ve to realize that you were dealing with your own problems and that we were just the catalyst._

_I’m sorry._

_Now it might’ve been over a decade since we last spoke, but I know what you’re thinking_. God Dammit Gray, you have nothing to apologize for. _Well, you’re wrong. I knew you were struggling. I saw your eyes that day you went back to New York. I’ve never seen a living person look so haunted, so dead inside. I stopped being your friend the minute you opened that door and I’ve always regretted it._

_I honestly don’t know what this letter is supposed to be but my fiance suggested I write it and so here I am. I might have had a beer or six. Danny is shaking his head and laughing at me across the room. He knows I’m a rambling drunk._

_Speaking of, the_ raison d’etre _for this letter. I’m getting engaged, Alec. To a man. His name is Daniel and I’m so goddamn in love with him that I’m sick with it. We met a few years ago when he transferred to the Paris Institute. He killed a Shortax demon that was trying to kill me and the rest is history._

_You’d love him. He acts like tough shit but he’s a total softie underneath the hardass exterior._

_Sounds like someone I once knew._

_You know, it took me a long time to get over you. Part of it was the guilt and the simple fact that you were the first and only boy I’d ever been so open with._

_Plus, you were a good guy. It helped that you were hot as fuck, too._

_I’m sure you didn’t have it any easier than me and, let me tell you, my life hasn’t been a cakewalk either. There were some hard fucking years. I struggled a lot with who I was, who I wanted to love._

_Danny showed me how blind I’d been._

_I heard-- of fucking course I heard-- that you got your own Happy Ever After. A warlock, Lightwood. Really? Who knew that the most strait-laced guy at the Academy would turn out to be such a fucking scandal._

_I heartily approve._

_How’s that immortality shit going? Word spread like wildfire through the shadow world that the once Golden Boy of the Clave was becoming immortal for his husband._

_Now there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write about you._

_I’m proud of you, Alec. I know you don’t need it-- hell you might not even ever read this-- but I want to say it nonetheless. I daresay I was one of your closest friends once upon a time and it makes me fucking happy to see what you’ve become._

_I’m not doing too shabby myself. I’m the Weapons Master here in Paris and I’m marrying the love of my life in the fall._

_Shit is good._

_We made it, Lightwood. Through all the shit, and heartbreak, and goddamn misery of it all we made it to relatively well-adjusted adulthood._

_Who would’ve thought? Two lonely teenagers with insurmountable secrets are now happy adults in gay as hell relationships._

_Goddamn, we made it, Alec._

_I want to end whatever the fuck this is with an invitation. In a little over five months, I’m marrying Danny. I’d love it if you could come. I want to meet Magnus and make sure he’s good enough for you._

_I want you to meet Danny and know that he’s perfect for me._

_I understand, of course, if you can’t come. You're busy as Head of the New York Institute, it might be awkward since we were almost in a relationship, hell you might not remember me._

_But if you can, please come._

_Since I’m halfway convinced you’ll never see this and maybe a little more drunk than I originally let on, I want to add one more thing._

_I thought I loved you. For a lot of years, I carried your image in my head as a solace. You were my biggest what-if. But then I met Daniel and everything clicked in a way that I’d never felt before. What we had, Lightwood, was a boyhood crush that was compounded by all the internalized homophobia we were dealing with. Christ, things were pretty shit back then._

_I learned that term in therapy a few years ago. If you haven’t heard of it, you should look it up. It explains a lot._

_We made it._

_With eternal fondness,_

_Gray_

Alec startles as he feels arms wrap around his middle. In the next moment, he’s relaxing against the comforting weight of his husband as Magnus nuzzles into his back.

“What were you reading, darling,” Magnus asks absently.

Alec takes a moment to process everything. He was reading the letter one last time before he put it away. Turning around until he can hold Magnus, they stand there for a minute in the stillness.

Softly, Alec speaks. “Do you remember Gray?”

Magnus hums. “Yes, he was the boy you almost kissed before having a bit of a nervous breakdown. Why?”

Alec huffs out a laugh and tightens his arms around Magnus. “He sent me a letter Friday.”

“So that’s what happened. I knew there had to be a reason you were day drinking. And, you hardly ever watch The Lion King these days.”

“Yeah,” Alec says. “I came back from lunch and there was a letter on my desk. Gray wrote to me. It was the first time I’d heard from him in almost fifteen years. It messed with me a little. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“Alexander, you know you have nothing to apologize for. This was your news and you can tell me whatever you want whenever you want. I’m always here for you and if you need time to process things, than I am more than willing to give that to you.”

They kiss for a moment before Alec pulls back and whispers, “Thank you. For everything.”

“Of course, love. Now what did Grayson have to say?”

“Pretty much exactly what I would have said to him, actually. He told me he was getting engaged to the love of his life and that he wants us to come to the wedding. There was some other stuff about how fucked up we were back then and how much things have changed. It was a good letter. Emotional. Very Grayson,” Alec smiles. “It sounded just like he was here in person.”

Magnus chuckles before he grows serious. “What do you want to do? Do you want to go? You know I support you in whatever you decide.”

Alec takes a minute to think about it, but he’d made his decision the instant he’d read the letter.

“I do. I want to go and celebrate what he’s found. I think I might want to see if there’s still a salvageable friendship there.”

“Then let me know the date and I’ll make the arrangements.”

Alec brushes his nose against Magnus’s cheek and thanks the angel for the millionth time that he’s found someone so good and understanding and loving.

“Thank you, Magnus. I appreciate that you’d do this for me.”

“Think nothing of it, Alexander. Paris in the fall is paradise. Think of all the shopping!”

They laugh together before breaking apart. Alec turns back towards the table he was facing and picks up the letter he’d sat next to a box.

 _The_ box.

He feels Magnus place a hand on the small of his back as he opens it. It’s much more crowded than it was a few years ago. There’s still more Magnus in this box than anyone else and just looking at the contents makes his chest ache. He reminds himself that they have forever and focuses back to the matter at hand.

He folds the letter gently before placing it carefully in the box. He takes one last moment and stares at the letter, at all of the trinkets and memories that he’s stored in here. Alec’s very heart is in this box and he knows it’s well looked after in their loft. He eases the lid closed and places it back on its shelf next to Magnus’s.

When Alec turns around and walks back towards his husband, the expression on Magnus’s face almost makes him falter. He’s looking at Alec with such love and open vulnerability that it makes his heart soar and stutter.

“I love you so much, Alexander. Thank you for sharing this with me,” Magnus says softly.

Alec takes his hand and rubs his thumb across his knuckles. “There’s no one I’d rather share this stuff with. You’re it for me, babe.”

Magnus huffs out a small laugh. “Well, if I’m _stuck_ with you, then I guess I’d better feed you. What do you want for dinner, darling?”

Alec’s laugh is bright and loud as he answers.

“Surprise me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We made it! This was my very first ever chaptered fic and I'm so happy that you all joined me in Alec's journey!! Thanks so much for the comments and kudos and I hope you enjoyed this last chapter :)

**Author's Note:**

> Catch me on tumblr @carmenlire


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